3000 Dimensions and There's Still Nothing On
by The Magnificent Eight
Summary: The First Evil tortures the Scoobies. Wackiness ensues.
1. Default Chapter

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3000 Dimensions and There's Still Nothing On (or, When First Evils Get Bored)  
_Part 1: In the Brooding Way  
_By hold_that_thought

  
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Summary: The First Evil has nowhere to go but down after its coup with the Turok-Han really, as far as evil plans go. That doesn't mean it will stop trying. (Post-Showtime for Buffy, Rain of Fire/Apocalypse Nowish for Angel, spoilers through those episodes.) (Parody.)  
**Rated**: PG-13  
**Feedback**: Totally welcome (APostModernSleaz@aol.com)  
**Archive**: More than likely okay, but please ask first  
**Disclaimer**: The characters used within are the property of Mutant Enemy, Twentieth Century Fox, and of course Joss Whedon. It's their sandbox, I'm just playing in it.  
**Warnings**: For this section, mpreg and _excessive_ character bashing of a certain souled vampire. Uh, the dark-haired one.  
**Notes**: Huge love to little_bit and Nongenius for agreeing to hop into the fire and co-write one last parody. And for allowing me to finally use the bulk of the crappy mpreg parody I wrote last April. (Completed 1/17/03)

* * *

Spike was sitting cross-legged in the Summers' living room, patiently letting his hair be brushed as he listened to idle chatter.

"So anyway, then Justin Timberlake is all singing a song about a girl cheating on him like, hello, we all know he's talking about Britney, and why not just come out and say it?"  
  
Spike couldn't believe he agreed to this. Stupid soul making him feel all guilty, making him agree to the most ridiculous things, as if a little mass murder warranted this torture.

"Could you stop moving your head? It's making the brushing very difficult. Oh my god, did you see the new Christina Aguilera video?"  
  
Just then, Buffy walked into the room. "Xander, stop brushing Spike's hair. I told you to go pick up all the Slayers in Training from the mall almost an hour ago!"  
  
"How come I never get to brush Spike's hair?" Andrew whined from the couch that he was stretched across, readinga Superman comic.

Xander ignored him and said, "It's okay, Buff. Anya said she'd go. She has some new idea to make money, since the kids all suck up so much cash eating all the food in the house. Which I do not appreciate, by the way. I'm losing so much weight I can see my feet again!"

"Money? She's not going to rob a bank again, is she?" Buffy asked.  
  
Xander shrugged and continued brushing Spike's hair.

"No, seriously, Xander. How is she going to make money?"  
  
  
Across town, near the docks, Anya nodded in satisfaction. "Yes, that will do."

"Wot d'yeh wont 's t'do, 'en?" asked Molly, the Potential Slayer from England. Or Australia. Or possibly Ireland. The Scoobies had been unable so far to tell where some of the girls had come from. Buffy said that they all had horrible accents like she'd heard Angel speak with in their shared dreams when the First Evil had first visited Sunnydale. So Ireland was looking likely.

Anya looked at Kennedy. "Translation?"  
  
"She asked you what you want us to do," Kennedy replied.

"Oh, that's very simple. Make sure you keep your skirts high and lips shiny and we should be able to feed you for at least another week. Assuming you don't get chopped up into tiny pieces first."

Rona raised her hand. "I'm still a little unclear on what you want us to do."

"Have any of you girls seen _Pretty Woman_?" The Potentials shook their heads. "What about _Leaving Las Vegas_? _Taxi Driver_? _Fingers_? _Jade_? _Belle du Jour_? _Milk Money_? _Last Exit to Brooklyn_? _The Hunted_? _Sadie Thompson_?"

"I'm getting dizzy here," Vi complained. "Just tell us how wearing tight tops and short skirts and hanging around on the docks is going to make us money."  
  
"Okay, okay," Anya said. "Girls, let me tell you a little story about another vampire Slayer named Faith…."

  


In the basement of Sunnydale High School, The First Evil paced around. It had to do something to distract the Slayer. It considered showing up at her house and giving her another threatening speech, but decided to wait until it had finished the one it was currently working on. It involved a detailed look at the Slayer's fashion mistakes throughout the years, guaranteed to leave her a sobbing mess. The First Evil grinned wickedly as it envisioned itself pulling out a picture of Buffy in that godawful black cowboy hat and showing it to the devastated Slayer.

But there would be time for that later. Now, it needed to create a diversion. Suddenly, inspiration struck.

"The Slayer was willing to die to protect her sister. Let's send her a baby and see what happens."  
  
It sent a Harbinger out to retrieve some of Buffy's clothes so that a fertility spell could be done. Then it sat back and tried to think of some really cutting remarks about Buffy's animal print years.

  


"Hey, Buffy!"  
  
"What, Spike?" Buffy walked to the bottom of the stairs and looked up to see a very distressed Spike standing on the landing.

"Where did my shirt go?"

"What one?"  
  
"My blue one."  
  
Buffy suppressed a shudder at the mental image of Spike and his tight blue three-quarter sleeved shirt. Somewhere between Africa and insanity, he must have raided Dawn's closet. When would the boys in her life learn to wear clothes their size? She nearly fell to the ground in tears when she remembered walking in on Xander trying on her mini skirt and tube top. And there was that one night with Giles that was best left unmentioned. She headed up the stairs to her bedroom.

"I borrowed it the other day, it should still be near my hamper…." Buffy stopped short when she saw her room was in shambles.

  


Back downstairs, Buffy, Xander, Spike, and Willow were in the kitchen.

"Do you know what's missing?" Willow asked.

"Yeah. Spike's blue shirt, the ring Angel gave me on my seventeenth birthday, and Xander's Backstreet Boys lunchbox that I borrowed."

"So the important question," Buffy said, "is what evil plan could The First Evil be hatching that involves stealing a ring, a feminine blouse, and a teenybopper accessory."

***  


Two days later, Angel was pacing around one of Hyperion Hotel's bathrooms nervously, beads of sweat forming on his gigantic forehead. There was a knock at the door, followed by Cordelia's shrill "Angel, what are you _doing_ in there? Come on, I have to go screw my boyfriend, Con…stance. Constance. Who you've never met. Anyway, my water heater is being fixed, and you promised I could use the office bathroom!"  
  
He ignored her and continued pacing. After what seemed like an eternity, the egg-timer went off. Hands shaking, he walked over to the counter and peered at the object placed gently on it.

Two. Oh god.   
  
He grabbed his vat of hair gel, threw it in his overnight bag, and wrenched open the door.  
  
"Cordy, I have to go to Sunnydale."

  


The car had barely come to a stop at the curb outside Buffy's house when Angel sprang out and ran up to the door. Buffy opened it and her jaw dropped as soon as she laid eyes on Angel.

"Oh my god, you too? Hey, Willow, Dawn, Angel's pregnant too!" she yelled over her shoulder. She ushered Angel in and patted his expansive belly. "Oh my god, how far along are you? Seven months? Eight?"

"Uh, no." He pulled his shirt back down and grimaced. "More like a day or two."

"Oh. **Oh**! _Oh_, eew! I mean…oh, you look great!"  
  
"So wait," Angel said as he followed Buffy past her living room full of teenage girls fawning over Giles and into the kitchen, "why doesn't this surprise you? I'm a guy. And a vampire. This usually doesn't equal pregnant."

"I'll tell ya why, you wanker." Spike walked in, the distinct beginnings of a belly poking out from under his skintight black shirt. "Because you're not the only pregnant souled vampire who's slept with Buffy around here. Hey, pet, my blood heated up yet?"  
  
Buffy nodded, handed the "I Went to Africa and All I Got Was This Lousy Soul" mug to Spike and turned to Angel. "He's right. You, Spike, and Xander, so far."

"Wait…Xander's a souled vampire too? And you slept with him?!"

"Yes. And also, it turns out Dawn and Willow are both Vampire Slayers." Buffy rolled her eyes and Spike smirked. "No, Xander is pregnant, just like you two. God, were you this stupid when I first met you?"  
  
Angel shrugged. "Yes. But my creepy stalker act made you so swoony you never noticed. So wait, Dawn and Willow are Slayers?"

"_Anyway_," Buffy continued, ignoring Angel, "we figure that The First Evil is doing this somehow. A spell or something. And the pregnancies seem to be accelerated. Each day equals 2 months, or something. Giles explained it, but he pulled out all these charts and I was so busy thinking about how the diagram's pen…dulum, wasn't half as huge as Spike's giant coc…tail."  
  
"Stupid First Evil wasn't satisfied torturing me for weeks on end, had to make me preggers too," Spike remarked sadly.

"Weeks? It only bothered with me for a day or two!" Before Angel could glower any more, Xander entered the kitchen.

"I've got good news, guys. Giles figured out who the mothers of all the babies are. Turns out, we're all pregnant by the person who loves us the most in the world."  
  
Angel felt a lump forming in his throat. "Buffy, I can't believe…we're finally having a child. If it's a daughter, we'll name her Destiny."  
  
The Slayer shook her head. "Nuh uh."  
  
"Aw, Buffy, Destiny is a great name. And considering her parents are named Buffy and Angel…."

"No, what I mean is, there's no way you're having my baby."  
Xander grinned. "She's right. Spike is having Buffy's baby, and I'm having Anya's."  
  
Angel blinked. "Oh. In that case, Buffy, I have something to tell you that might be hard to hear. You remember how I told you that Cordelia and I were getting closer?"  
  
"Don't even finish that thought, Dead Pregnant Boy," Xander interrupted. "Nice try, but you're pregnant by some chick named Lorne."  
  
Angel stood staring blankly at Buffy and Spike, mouth agape, which meant that he was too angry for words. Or possibly shocked. Or bored. Or constipated. Either way, he remained immobile for several minutes until Buffy, Spike, and Xander all shrugged and headed into the living room to help Anya finish getting the Slayers in Training ready to begin their training at the Doublemeat Palace. With any luck, enough would manage to not be eaten long enough to bring home some more money. Besides, they needed all the free food they could get, as pregnant Xander had already eaten all the food in the house and was starting on the furniture.

***

The next morning, Spike was resting in Buffy's bedroom. Willow had graciously and inexplicably volunteered to dorm with the Mini Slayers, so Angel was still asleep in her room. At noon, Buffy decided to bring Spike some lunch to eat while watching his soap operas. She almost dropped the tray of Buffalo Wings she was carrying when she saw what Spike was doing.

"You mean you weren't kidding way back when you told Riley you had _knitting needles_?"  
  
Spike almost dropped the pink bootie he was working on.

"Dammit, Slayer, don't you ever knock?"  
  
"Spike, you can…knit? Is this a 'soul' thing?"  
  
"You don't have to make a big deal of it. Drusilla made me learn. Sometimes, during the day, we would sit around and knit dresses for Miss Edith. This was before I started watching _Passions_, of course."

Buffy shook her head in disbelief.  
  
"Hey, do you think it's okay if I walk back out of here right now and pretend I never saw any of this, and we never had this conversation?"  
  
"That would probably be for the best."

A few minutes later, there was a knock on the door.

Spike stashed the knitting and yelled, "Come in."

"Willow wanted me to bring these herbs up. If you drink them they'll keep you from getting morning sickness. Or night sickness since you're all nocturnal," Anya said.

"Thanks. Hey, you're the most honest person here, 'sides me anyway. Can you tell me, do I look fat?"

Anya bit her lip and nodded, and Spike grimaced.  
  
"I knew it. Sodding First Evil. And you know I'm never going to get my 28-inch waist back."  
  
Anya nodded. "Yes, it is tragic that we can no longer use your cheekbones to whittle stakes when we run out of knives. But at least you aren't as bloated as Angel."

"Yeah, the puffy poof isn't looking too well, is he? Probably doesn't help that he has to own up to the fact that his beloved loves me now." Spike smirked.  
  
"I am surprised that you're having Buffy's baby and not Harmony's though. And that Xander is having mine and not yours."

"My…what?!" Spike choked on his chicken wing. "Why would think I'd be in love with Harris?"  
  
Anya shrugged. "I don't know. You didn't deny sleeping together when that guy I turned into a worm's girlfriend asked if everyone had slept with each other. And you were living with him when you were all vulnerable. Twice. I just wouldn't have been surprised to come home one day and hear that Xander had been abused by his parents, who were actually partial vampires, and you comforted him, one thing led to another, and Xander became pregnant because his vampire heritage mixed with your cold dead seed."  
  
"You…really put a lot of thought into that," Spike said.

"Well, I didn't have much else to do until recently. But it's better that you're having Buffy's baby instead of Harmony's."

"Yeah, I guess. I mean, as long as the kid takes after current Buffy, and not Buffy for the first five years I knew her." Spike shuddered. "Self-righteous Slayer offspring, that'd be fun. The kid's first words would be 'Shut up, Spike,' or, 'You're beneath me,' or, 'Stop stealing all my underwear, you pervert! I'm running out of things to wear!' Hell, I'd be lucky if the brat don't simply stake me on its way out."

  


Evening was starting to fall and the three pregnant men were sitting in the Summers living room reading various baby name books. Willow, Dawn, and Buffy were out shopping, and Giles had taken the Slayers in Training and Andrew to an audition for some new girl band television show.

Xander put down his book, looked down, and started poking his chest. After five minutes of this strange behavior, Spike broke.  
  
"Alright, I give up. What the hell are you doing?"  
  
"Well, I just wondered if we would be…lactose-ing. You know, milk making?" Angel and Spike regarded their own man-boobs. "Because I'm kind of thirsty, and I don't feel like getting up…."  
  
"Gah!" The two vampires both recoiled and stared at Xander in horror.   
  
"Bloody hell, man, you can't drink your own milk!"  
  
"Yeah!" Angel chimed in. "God, Xander, that's like asking if you can drink your own piss!"

"But milk was _made_ for us to drink!" Xander protested.

"No difference!" Spike yelled. "You just don't drink anything that comes out of your _own body_. I mean, look at Prancer over there, right? He was living like a bum in the streets for years after he got his soul, but he at least had the decency to eat some rats instead of trying to drink his own blood! Back me up here, Angel! Angel?" Now Angel was engrossed with what was under his shirt as well. "Oh god, don't tell me you're thinking of your tits as an all-you-can-drink deal too!"  
  
"No, but Xander does have a valid point. I mean, my nipples have been kind of tender and chafing all week, I wonder if we _are_ going to be lactating."

"I think you mean lactose-ing." Xander corrected.

"No, it's lactating."  
  
"But that word doesn't make any sense! It's lactose intolerance, not lactate intolerance! God, you're so stupid, Angel! I hate you!" Xander started to cry.  
  
"We're three pregnant **guys**, two of us souled vampires, and the Buttmonkey is looking for logic." Spike pushed himself up and waddled over to the door. "I'm going for a walk."  
  
After he left, Xander turned to Angel.

"Am I the only one sick of Spike's mood swings?"  
  
Angel just glowered. A couple of minutes later, they heard a car pull up outside as Buffy, Dawn, and Willow came home from shopping.  
  
"We're back!" Buffy caroled as she came in the door. "We could only find maternity clothes big enough for you guys in K-Mart. All the good stores only go up so far size-wise." She shrugged off her coat and went into the living room. She gave one bag to Xander and one to Angel. "Where's Spike?"

"He took off. Buffy, what the hell is this?" Angel held up the powder-blue dress with baby ducks embroidered on it.

"It was the only one long enough for you, and it could have been worse. They also had it in pink."

Xander didn't complain as he stripped off his shirt and wriggled into his green dress with pink bunnies on it. Considering what he normally, voluntarily wore, the dress didn't seem too strange to him.

Willow and Dawn came in carrying some magic supplies. 

"Well, I have good news," Willow said. "If we can't cure these pregnancies before they come to term, I have a way to deliver the babies despite your, uh, physiology."  
  
"Oh, some way to mystically export the babies?" Angel asked.

"Uh huh. Yeah, something like that. Except with Hecate, and making a daughter from a son."  
  
"Oh, you're going to turn all our babies into girls?" Angel said. "That's cool, I already have a son."

"Yeah, as long as you don't hit on our daughters like you do the Slayers to Be," Xander laughed.  
  
Buffy shook her head. "No, I don't think that's what she means, and since when do you have a son?"

"And I am not hitting on all the Potential Slayers!" Willow protested. "Just the ones that are conveniently over the age of 18."

Speaking of the devil, at that moment Giles and the Potentials barged in through the door. The girls all wore matching scowls as they filed down to the basement.

"Giles, what happened?" Buffy asked.

"Well, um, they were doing well, until Penelope revealed herself to be the First Evil posing as another Potential. She said that she was going to devour us all slowly, and then she folded in on herself and exploded in an impressive display of fireworks."  
  
"Oh, no!" Willow gasped. "And it ruined the audition for all the girls?"  
  
"Sort of," Giles said. "She was the only one who got called back."

The door clonked open again as Spike waddled back into the house, Andrew behind him.

"Found Blatant Comic Relief Guy outside, digging around the shrubs," Spike said.

"It was The First Evil, it came to me in the form of Elvis and told me to dig up your bush!" Andrew simpered.

Buffy rolled her eyes. "That excuse only works three times, Andrew. What were you doing?"

"Fine! I was hiding my _Death of Superman_ comic book! Xander always swipes it, and I'm scared he'll be reading it when his water breaks, and this issue is irreplaceable as it was signed by the…."

"Save it. Don't care. Giles, Willow found a spell that we're going to try on Angel," Buffy said.

"Wait, why are we trying it out on me?" Angel protested.

"Because Spike has boy parts that I'd like him to keep, and Xander made me sign a No More Buttmonkey contract that fines me $100 for every embarrassing incident I get him into without his prior consent," Buffy said.

"So this spell affects boy parts? Wait, what? I'm so confused," Angel said as he furrowed his brow.

  


Willow had sent Buffy out to get some supplies at Wal-Mart's New Age section, and the Slayer decided to take Dawn along. She wanted to show Dawn the world, and her sister had yet to visit Wal-Mart, so it seemed like a good opportunity.  
As they took the shortcut through the cemetery, Dawn said, "Buffy, I have a weird question for you."

"Sure, Dawn, what is it? Wait, this isn't one of your 'I'm not feeling so fresh…down there' questions again, is it?"

"No, no. I was just wondering what kind of spell could change Xander, Angel, and Spike's insides but not their outsides? I mean, they're carrying babies, but they don't have ovaries, or uteruses and stuff. I mean, it makes no sense."  
  
Before Buffy could answer, she heard an "oof!" and saw that Dawn had disappeared. She looked down and saw her sister had fallen into one of the many open, gaping burial plot holes. Buffy hauled Dawn out, helped brush the dirt off her lowriders, and the subject of male ovulation was never breached again.

  


Once Buffy and Dawn returned with the supplies, Willow got the spell underway, and not a moment too soon, because Angel had just begun contractions.

"Oh my god," Angel wheezed, "now I know why Darla staked herself instead of doing this. Please, someone, get me a stake!"  
  
"Don't have to ask me twice," Xander said.

A loud crack from the kitchen signaled that Willow's spell was complete. Sure enough, Angel turned into a woman.

"Huh," Buffy said. "He looks…mostly the same."  
  
"Yes, it appears only his hair has become longer," Giles remarked.

Spike snorted. "Yeah, you shoulda seen him when I first met him, all flowing locks and crushed velvet. With the name Angelus no less. Took me a while to realize Darla wasn't a lesbian."

"Stake…me…now…."  
  
"And again, I'm here for you Angel," Xander said.

The First Evil, which had disguised itself as a fern that had died in the Summers home years before, saw what was happening and recoiled in disgust. The _Slayer _was supposed to be pregnant! It needed the souled vampires on the side of evil, not nurturing babies! This wasn't the plan! And it wouldn't do! It zapped back to its lair underneath the school.

"Harbingers! Undo this spell! I can't make Spike fall in love with me…er, _distract the Slayer_, with Spike having her baby!"

Back in the Summers household, Xander, Spike, and Angel's pregnant stomachs all suddenly shrank back down to their normal size, which was considerably smaller only for Spike and Xander.  
  
"What happened?" Anya asked as she walked in the front door. "And what is Xander wearing?!" She stared in abject horror at the bunny-covered frock that her ex-fiancée was sporting.

"The First must have called off its spell," Dawn said.

"I guess I'll go undo Angel's sex change," Willow said.

"Yeah. Pity that," Spike grinned. "You know, I almost miss being preggers. Still," he pulled Buffy close to him, "no reason why we can't try and do the brat thing the old fashioned way, with _you_ the barefoot and pregnant one, once The Powers That Be give me that shanshu thing they mentioned last time I talked to them."  
  
"Shanshu?! Now wait just one minute," Angel said….

  


The First Evil paced in its lair dressed up in the image it felt most comfortable with—Walt Disney. Stupid Harbingers. It really needed new minions. No worries though, it still had a few other ideas on how to distract Buffy Summers and her cohorts.

"She'll rue the day she laughed in the face of true evil. I am all that is scary in the universe. I'm the creature that steals all your left socks from the dryer. I am destruction, carnage, gore, and…ooh, that's a good one!" The First Evil smiled at the Harbinger that held out a picture of Buffy in the gold lamé jacket. "Yes, she will rue the day indeed. Oh, I didn't already use 'rue the day' in one of my speeches, did I?"  
  
Being the thing darkness fears could be _so_ taxing.

  
  
_To be continued by little_bit._


	2. The Puppet Masterbators

**TITLE:** 3000 Dimensions And There's Still Nothing On (or, When First Evils Get Bored)   
_Part 2: The Puppet Master(bator)s  
_**AUTHOR:** nongenius  
**SUMMARY:** The First Evil has nowhere to go but down after its coup with the Turok-Han really, as far as evil plans go. That doesn't mean it will stop trying. (Parody.)   
**RATED:** R  
**SPOILERS:** Through Showtime (Buffy Season 7) and Apocalypse Nowish (Angel Season 4)  
**FEEDBACK:** Always welcome (nongenius@hotmail.com)  
**ARCHIVE:** More than likely okay, but please ask first  
**DISCLAIMER:** Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, though I really wish I did. Unfortunately, for me, they all belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and Fox.   
**NOTES:** This is the second chapter of a round robin fic. I encourage you to read the whole thing. Love to **hold_that_thought** and **little_bit** for agreeing to do one last round robin parody. Extra special thanks and lots of love to **hold_that_thought** for prodding me into writing and for being my ever-faithful beta. And for continuing to find me funny. 

The First Evil rubbed its hands together, laughing maniacally in the most cliché fashion possible. Because everyone knows that cliché's are evil by definition. Caught somewhere between its favorite evil personas, Walt Disney and Barney, it scared even the blind harbingers. Evil just oozed from every pore, filling the room with the pungent smell of sin. Or maybe that was just sweat. For someone incorporeal, the First Evil had horrible body odor. 

"Muahaha! You know what I love about people? They're so easy to manipulate. Take this pesky Slayer and her friends. Always getting in the way of my seduction of Spi—" The First cleared its throat and coughed loudly. "Getting in the way of my seduction of the world to the side of evil. Yes, the side of evil. That's what I was trying to say." 

The Harbingers said nothing. Tearing out their tongues was by far the best idea it'd ever had. Before, it had been, "Oh, the First Evil is such a wuss," or, "Geez, that's the worst idea in the history of ideas," or, "Give it up. Wearing the guise of Oprah is going to make you look fat no matter how much black you wear." No one likes cheeky minions. 

"But even the Slayer won't be able to get out of this one. The promise of power is a, um, powerful thing. Damn it! Harbinger! Find me a thesaurus!" 

* * *

"Hey! We're ho—" Buffy's grocery bags and her jaw hit the floor at the same time. 

Xander was on the couch surrounded by all the potentials, who were cooing over him. On his left, Rona was actually fanning him with a palm leaf, while Amanda fed him grapes. 

Author #1: Great touch with the grapes!  
Author #2: Thanks! Now for the piece de resis.. de resist… the best part. 

Buffy looked around her. "Did you hear something?" 

Authors (together): NO! 

Buffy shrugged. "Never mind." She turned her attention back to Xander, who was now getting a backrub from Kennedy. "Kennedy? Aren't you gay? And aren't most of these girls under 18?" 

Author #2: Dude. She has a point.  
Author #1: No way. They never said how old any of them are. Okay, so Amanda might be underage. Everyone else is legal. And besides, I can't help it if everyone wants the Xandman. He's obviously the most attractive person there and really should be Buffy's true love.  
Author #2: The only people who really believe that are loser guys who can't get laid.  
Author #1: Touché. 

Buffy blinked. She could have sworn it was Amanda, not Vi, who had been feeding Xander grapes. She looked around. Amanda couldn't be found. 

Kennedy smiled and snuggled against Xander. "Oh, who could possibly want a woman when they could have this hunk of man?" 

Buffy suppressed a gag reflex. 

Author #1: Hey!  
Author #2: I didn't write that. 

"There's plenty here to share, if you want in," Kennedy cooed. 

"Oh no, I couldn't. I've only ever really loved one person. Angel was so strong and handsome and tall and smart. And his hair always looked so great. He had the best gel in the tri-county area." Buffy sighed dreamily. "How could I find any man attractive after having spent three years with the love of my life? He was the perfect man, the perfect specimen of being. I'm absolutely distraught without him! How could Spike's perfect abs compare to Angel's mounds of flab? How could I even think of being with someone who didn't give me neck cramps to remind me of our love" 

Buffy burst into tears. "I don't understand what's wrong with me," she sobbed. "I'm saying all this crap about how Angel was the love of my life, when really all I feel for him now is disgust at the fire hazard that is his hair." 

Author #2: Stop that! You love Angel! You love him with your everything! You always have and always will!  
Author #1: Yeah. And the people who believe that are just losers who can't get over their first love. Usually because they can't find anyone else who's willing to date them.  
Author #2: Shut up! She loves Angel! They're soul mates!  
Author #1: Whatever you say, Dawson. 

"What am I saying?" Buffy said with a shake of her head, wiping her tears away. "I love Angel. I love him with my everything. I always have and always will." 

Buffy gathered her groceries and moved to the kitchen, singing Angel's praises the whole way. 

"Would you please keep it down up here? A bloke can't get a single moment's peace in this bloody house," Spike yelled from the basement. 

"Sorry, Spike," Molly called. "It's not our fault. Xander's just so damn sexy." 

In a flash, Spike was in the living room ogling Xander's naked chest. 

Author #1: Hey! What are you doing? This wasn't part of the plan.  
Author #2: Come on, it'll be fun. You can't tell me you've never laid awake at night thinking about Spike gently caressing your cheek and then firmly pulling you to his taut, but amazingly lithe, body.  
Author #1: You're scaring me, man. 

Spike moved forward slowly, pushing Potentials to the side and licking his lips. He undressed Xander with his eyes, leering. "You have any vampire in you, Harris?" 

Xander shook his head forcefully. 

"Want some?" Spike asked grabbing Xander by the neck and leaning in for a ki… 

Author #1: THAT'S ENOUGH! SCENE CHANGE! 

* * *

Angel fell to the ground, his eyes glowing amber. Behind him, Acathla's mouth began to open in a swirling vortex. "Buffy," he croaked. 

"Angel, the whole 'Look! I got my soul back' routine just isn't going to work. Vampires are vicious…evil…disgusting…wastes…of…space," she said, punctuating each word with a sharp stab of the sword. Then she plunged the sword into his chest and left him for dead. 

Author #2: That's not how it happened! There was undying love proclaimed! It was heartbreakingly beautiful.  
Author #1: You're still in that romance movie club, aren't you?  
Author #2: Yeah, so? What does that have to do with anything?  
Author #1: Does the word masculinity mean anything to you?  
Author #2: Look who's talking, Mr. I Love Justin Timberlake.  
Author #1: Hey! Justin is an artist. He can't help it if he's beautiful. 

Buffy ran after Spike and Drusilla, catching them just before they drove off. She pulled out her stake and aimed it at Spike's chest, ready to end him for good. As the wood approached his heart, she stopped. 

"What the hell is going on? This isn't how it happened. I can't kill Spike. How will he show me just how amazing five continuous hours of sex can be if I kill him?" 

Author #2: Five hours? Is that even possible?  
Author #1: I'm guessing you've got a record ten minutes?  
Author #2: Three, but that's not the point. 

"There's something really strange going on here," Buffy said to herself. 

Author #1: No, this is just the way it should have happened. Because you love Xander and always have.  
Author #2: Just can't give it up, can you?  
Author #1: My turn, my rules. 

"I know. This is the way it should have happened. I've been given a second chance to mend my errors. I never should have let myself fall off of the pedestal so far. I wasn't the hero I was supposed to be. Instead of following all of the rules and being the hero my friends expected me to be, I was enjoying myself and learning that I wasn't perfect and that other vampires are a lot better in bed than Angel. I'm going to fix this once and for all. Sorry Spike," she said as she staked him. 

Authors (together): Score! 

Buffy walked back to Angel's bleeding body, wiping the dust off her hands. 

Author #2: Why's the body still there?  
Author #1: It's hard to kick and gloat over if it's gone. 

Xander ran in, rock in hand, ready to fight. "Buffy!" he yelled, running to her side. 

"Xander! My prince!" Buffy ran to him and jumped into his arms. "You've saved me! My hero," Buffy cooed as she nuzzled his neck. 

"Buffy, I'll always be here for you, you know that," Xander responded, kissing her lightly. 

"How could I have ignored you for so long?" Buffy asked before pulling him down for a passionate kiss. 

"I haven't a clue," Xander said with a smile. "What should we do with this?" He kicked Angel's limp body. 

Author #2: You are just asking for a beat down.   
Author #1: Calm down. It's not like it really happened. It's just a story.  
Author #2: But that's my Buffy and my Angel you're messing with. You're destroying the sanctity of their love.  
Author #1: You need to step away from the message boards, dude. 

"Forget about it. Leave it to rot. I never want to see or hear about Angel again." Buffy spit on the body, and began making all the rude hand signs she could think of in Angel's general direction. 

Author #2: That's it.  
[Scuffling sounds]  
Author #1: I'm not letting you have the keyboard!  
[More scuffling and some screaming]  
Author #2: Stop bleeding on my shoes. They're patent leather. 

Suddenly Angel stood. He wasn't really dead, and the blood he'd spilled had been enough to close the portal. He still had his soul, of course, and he still loved Buffy with all his heart. 

Buffy jumped down and looked at Xander in disgust. "How could I ever have thought you were the one I wanted when Angel is still on this earth?" 

"Beats me," Angel said, as he pulled the sword out of his chest and used it to hack off Xander's head. 

Buffy ran to Angel's outstretched arms. 

"I love you, Angel," she said softly. 

"I love you too, Buffy." The kissed, a soft, warm familiar kiss. 

Author #2: Sigh. Now that's the way it's supposed to be.  
Author #1: Yeah, when you're stuck in the past.  
Author #2: It's better than being stuck in 'only in your dreams'. 

"Did you hear that?" Buffy looked around. "I keep hearing these voices. I wonder if it's the First Evil messing with me." She stepped away from Angel, surveying the scene. Xander's head stared at her from the floor, lips smeared with her favorite Seashell lipstick, and she realized she was covered in vampire dust. 

"Oh my god! I killed my love bunny Spike! And I macked on Xander!" Buffy screamed in revulsion. 

Author #1: Hey! Isn't it enough that you killed Xander?  
Author #2: I didn't write that. Face it. She's not attracted to Xander at all.  
Author #1: She is, she just doesn't know it yet.  
Author #2: Maybe she's waiting for hell to freeze over. 

"We have to find Giles. Fast!" Buffy said as she ran towards the door. 

Author #1: Change the scene! Change the scene! 

* * *

The First Evil watched with a smile on its face. "Everything is going perfectly. Between the two boneheads, Buffy will soon forget all about Spike, leaving him vulnerable for…becoming evil again, yes, evil. And Buffy will be too distracted to notice the other, really, unmentionably evil plan that was just too evil to be detailed," it boasted to its minions. 

One of the harbingers pulled out his flags and asked in semaphore if that meant the First didn't have a plan yet. 

The First scowled. "Shut up! Do you know how hard it is to come up with evil plans? Have you tried it? Do you know how many times I've had to cry myself to sleep at night because I can't seem to come up with a great evil plan? I'm already the black sheep of the First Evil family. And now you've just tossed some salt into that wound! I hate you!" 

The First stomped off, making a mental note to burn the flags. It needed new, less sassy minions. But first, an evil plan…. 

* * *

"Buffy, would you mind handing me that book?" Giles asked without taking his eyes away from his notepad. 

Author #1: Way to go, bonehead.   
Author #2: You said to change the scene.  
Author #1: To keep Buffy from running to Giles.  
Author #2: I thought you were just being petulant about Xander losing his head.  
Author #1: Petulant? You have one of those Word of the Day Calendars, didn't you?  
Author #2: Got one for Christmas. What's your point? 

"What?" Buffy was confused. Where'd Angel go? And Xander? And she staked Spike, right? So why was he standing right in the corner teaching Dawn lighter tricks? 

Author #2: It was all just a dream, Buffy.  
Author #1: Or possibly a nightmare. 

"Are you alright?" Giles asked. 

"Huh?" Buffy shook her head, trying to clear her mind. 

"You've just been standing there." 

"Oh. Um, no I'm fine. I think." 

Author #1: Sho' nuff. You damn fine.  
Author #2: You did not just say that. 

"Giles, you haven't noticed anything strange have you?" 

"What? Is something going on? Perhaps you should ask Xander or Angel. They're both fine, upstanding young men. Intelligent, handsome, very clever, both of them. I'm positive they'll be able to help you." Giles said with a reassuring smile. 

Buffy stared. Shocked. "You want me to go to Xander. Or Angel. Because they're upstanding young men?" 

"Of course, I—dear lord. Did I just say that?" 

"Something's going on." 

Author #1: How come calling Xander and Angel upstanding young men is the clue in that something strange is going on? Is it so outlandish that Giles might actually think well of those two dashing guys?  
Author #2: Hey man, everything he said about Angel was true. It was the Xander factor that screwed it up.  
Author #1: Hey I—actually I can't think of anything to say to that. 

"You heard those voices, right?" Buffy whispered to Giles. 

"Yes, I believe I did. What is it?" 

"Thank god. I thought I was going crazy. I think it might be the First messing with my mind. Where's Willow?" Buffy asked, looking around. 

"Basement, training, I believe," Giles answered. "I'll, uh, look up some mind control spells, see if there's anything we can do to block it." 

Buffy went down to the basement and found Willow alone. "I thought you were training." 

"Oh, I was but the girls wanted a break. I think Kennedy took them for ice cream," Willow answered with a smile. 

Author #1: We have to distract them. They're gonna figure it out.  
Author #2: Got any ideas?  
Author #1: Well, just one. 

"You know, Willow. You look really nice today. Your hair," Buffy reached forward and ran her fingers through Willow's hair. "It's so soft and silky. And it smells so good." 

"Thanks. You know, that shirt looks really good on you. It's kinda giving me a happy," Willow said with a smile. 

"Is it hot in here? I'm feeling all hot and sweaty." Buffy ran her fingers down her neck stopping just above her perky breasts. "You know, Willow, I always thought you were attractive." 

Willow stepped forward, pulling Buffy to her, drawing her into a long kiss. Her hands ran up and down Buffy's spine, pulling the blonde's shirt higher and higher. 

Footsteps sounded on the stairs, but the girls didn't stop. 

"Say, want any meat for that sandwich?" Xander asked, waggling his eyebrows. 

Author #2: You are not allowed to write any more. Go sit in the corner.  
Author #1: But—  
Author #2: GO!  
Author #1: I will not go! I was distracting them just like I planned.  
Author #2: You were indulging your own tasteless fantasy.  
Author #1: Nobody said I wasn't allowed to have a little fun. 

Buffy and Willow jumped apart. 

"Buffy! I didn't mean that, I mean I-I don't feel like, oh, not that you're not…uh, attractive it's just that you're not…not really my type," Willow blathered nervously. 

"Will, I know. Something's been making me act strangely all day. I think it's the First Evil." 

Author #2: Will you just let me have the keyboard?   
Author #1: No! You already mucked it up by putting Buffy and Giles together. Now I'm trying to keep Willow from adding her big brain and figuring out what's going on!  
Author #2: So what if they figure it out?  
Author #1: After what we've made them say and do? They'd kill us.  
Author #2: Point. But I can do this. Let me have the keyboard.  
Author #1 No! 

"You hear that bickering? Did the First get a partner?" Willow asked. "Or maybe that's just Andrew and Amanda arguing over one of those fan fiction things they're always working on." 

"Fan fiction?" Buffy asked. 

"Yeah. You know, where people take characters or even, sometimes, real people and write their own stories about them. You should see some of the things Andrew makes Han Solo do and say." 

"Wait a minute! Xander and Angel! That's the key! I've been going back and forth between the two of them all day. And I keep having these hateful feelings towards Spike, which makes no sense at all because I love him. And Giles said some things about Xander and Angel earlier. They're part of this, I can feel it," Buffy said angrily. 

Author #1: Ack! She's figuring it out!  
Author #2: Scene change!  
Author #1: I can't type unless you let me have the keyboard!  
Author #2: You don't have to type, I'm going to type.  
(scuffling sounds, followed by screaming)  
Author #1: Stop hitting me! 

"So then Janice was like 'I can't believe Arty is dating that twit' and I was like 'Arty's a twit. So what do you care?' and she was like…are you even listening to me?" Dawn stared at Buffy, arms crossed. 

"Twits, yeah, sure." Buffy was trying to remember something. She couldn't quite grasp what. And for some reason all she could think of was Willow and sex and sex with Willow. 

Author #1: That's what I'm talking about.  
Author #2: I've got to admit, it is pretty hot. 

Buffy turned up her head. Something clicked. 

"Xander and Angel. And fan fiction. What was it? Think, Buffy, think!" 

Dawn looked at her sister like she had five heads. "What are you talking about?" 

"The First Evil! The First has somebody writing fan fiction about me! That's why these things keep changing and I keep doing strange things." 

Authors (together): NO!  
Author #1: You're wrong. You're just crazy!  
Author #2: Yeah, crazy in love with Angel.  
Author #1: That was really bad. 

"No, I'm wrong. I'm just crazy. Crazy in love with Angel," Buffy sighed. 

"Angel?" Dawn asked. "Angel. The same Angel that just last week was having a baby with some girl named Lorne and wanted to name his baby Destiny? Puffy, poofy, hair straight up Angel?" 

"That's the one," Buffy answered in a dreamy kind of way. 

"What about Spike?" 

"Spike?" 

"Spike. You know, the guy you were telling me was the one just five minutes ago?" Dawn shook her head. "Maybe you are crazy." 

Buffy screamed in frustration. "It's the stupid First! Whatever it's up to, it's messing with my head. I keep hearing voices, and sometimes the voices make me say and do things." 

Dawn nodded. "Crazy." 

"It's not like that! Sometimes, though, when they fight, I get a moment of clarity. I just have to wait for another one of those and then I can use my selective super powers to get to them." 

"Selective super powers?" 

"Yeah. Like, you know how sometimes I can run fast enough to tail a car, but other times I can't even catch the garbage truck? Or when I can leap over a fence with no problems but I can't seem to jump an obstacle? Selective super powers," Buffy answered. 

Author #1: Crap. Distract her somehow.  
Author #2: Scene change?  
Author #1: No. Let's kill Spike again.  
Author #2: Because he's an unrepentant rapist who doesn't deserve Buffy's love, despite the fact that he got a soul to try and make things better and he obviously feels really bad about it and Buffy's forgiven him? And even though Angel's soul fixes everything, Spike's soul shouldn't because he's just not worthy of forgiveness? Because he's an evil, selfish little fiend, regardless of how much of himself he's given to Buffy and her friends?  
Author #1: I just don't like him.  
Author #2: Well that too. 

"Slayer. Bit." Spike walked towards them with a smile on his face. 

Buffy whipped around. She pushed him down and started punching him in the face. "You're evil! I hate you! Xander was right! Angel was right! You are just wrong in so many ways. You don't deserve to live!" 

She pulled a stake out of nowhere and held it against Spike's heart. "Die, motherfucker." 

She plunged the stake down, ignorant of Dawn's screams. 

Author #1: Now I want a cigarette.  
Author #2: Be my guest.  
Author #1: Don't mind if I do.  
Author #2: Is it getting hot in here?  
Author #1: Your hair! It's on fire!  
(screaming) 

Buffy looked up, doing her best to use her selective super hearing to locate the source of the noise. Then using her selective super jumping, she jumped towards it…. 

And tumbled out of a computer screen. 

"Xander," she said angrily. 

"Hey man! We said no names! I'm just Author #1." 

"I didn't—" 

"Angel." Buffy stood with her arms crossed staring at the pair. They turned around, smoke tendrils rising from Angel's singed head. 

"Uh, hi, Buffy," Xander said with a nervous smile. 

"You? Are dead." 

Xander and Angel ran out of the room with Buffy on their tails. 

* * *

The First Evil screamed. "How is it that they always manage to foil my plans? If I can't even manage to get this one little thing to work, how can I get my super, unmentionably evil plan to work? That Slayer always ruins everything!" 

The harbingers quickly built a fire and started fanning the flames with a blanket. Smoke signals: Do…you…even…have…an…evil…. 

The First doused the flames angrily. "I didn't steal your tongues so you could come up with clever new ways to mock me. I don't care what you say. Oprah can be skinny! She can!" 

The First started pacing furiously. It was difficult because wearing Oprah meant going through weight fluctuations at a mad speed. It gained and lost weight with every step. 

It would find a way to foil them! It would! But first, it had to find fashionable—yet evil—frames for his collection of naked Spike pictures. 


End file.
